Roni’s Rants #1 – Merge Game Themes?!

Honestly… I don’t even know what to call these things. App games? Facebook games? Mobile ads from the darkest corner of the internet? Yeaaaah. No clue. I don’t play them. I don’t download them. But every time I scroll Facebook, there they are—these wildly unhinged merge-game ads that make me stop scrolling out of sheer disbelief. And can I just ask…..What in the actual fuck?! ✦ ✦ ✦ Let’s Start With the Mildly Disturbing Ones I’ve seen these ads before and always thought they were odd. You know the ones: A girl is living her life, minding her business… Then suddenly: Her legs get hairy She stops basic hygiene She gets dumped She’s kicked to the curb

Apparently, the goal of the game is for the player to help her “get her life back together”… by merging things?

Which—okay—already weird.
But whatever. I guess we’re teaching life lessons through digital soap and razors now.

✦ ✦ ✦

And Then… It Got So Much Worse Today, I saw one that absolutely takes the cake Are we serious right now? Let me spell out the theme, in case anyone blinked: 👉 Evil grandma and boyfriend poke holes in a condom with a safety pin.😮😮 Let’s all pause for a moment. …. ….. …... WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.?😵‍💫😳

Watch this:

Oh, It keeps going...
Next scene:
The girl is holding a positive pregnancy test.
Then—because why not—the ad cuts to her walking in on her boyfriend cheating.
(They don’t show it outright, just feet at the end of a bed… but come on. We all did the math.)
Pause again.
DOUBLE. U. TEE. EFF.?!?
She’s shocked.
I’m shocked.
We’re all shocked.

And this is where the game “starts”

Next scene:
She’s outside.
In the snow.
No coat.
Apparently, this is where you begin merging items to fix her life. I am genuinely struggling to find words. WHY IS THIS A THING?!
Why is this the theme of a merge game?
Are children downloading these games??
Because that makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Are there versions like this with a male lead character?
If there are, I haven’t seen them.
I get that merge games are silly, mindless fun.
Something to do while:

• Waiting at the doctor
• Standing in line at the BMV
• Killing time when you’re bored out of your skull

But why do they need a storyline at all?
And why this storyline?! What happened to simple games?!
Remember:

• Bejeweled
• Candy Crush

You matched things.
You beat high scores.
That was it.
No trauma.
No reproductive sabotage.
No evil grandmas.
So I have to ask…
Are we really so demented now that this is how games need to be marketed?

Final Thoughts (Because I’m Still Processing)..

I mostly laugh—because honestly, it’s so appalling that I don’t know what else to do.
But still…
Why is this a thing?
Who approved this?
And who thought, “Yes. This will definitely make people want to merge digital scarves and soup cans.”

Tell me your thoughts.
Because I cannot be the only one sitting here like 👁️👄👁️