In case you missed this "Hey Roni" letter from the previous week....
Hey Roni,
My wife and I made the mutual decision to adopt a Zooby baby. I thought it would be fun.
I was wrong.
At first everything was fine. Feedings. Diaper changes. Bottle time. Story time. The occasional tantrum. You know… normal pixel parenting. Then things got… weird.
It started small. I’d walk into the nursery and the baby would already be looking directly at me. Not in my general direction.
At me.
Every. Single. Time.
Then I noticed something else. Whenever I picked him up, he’d immediately start crying.
My wife picks him up? He giggles.
Our friends pick him up? Happy little baby noises.
Me? Instant screaming.
Like he’s filing a formal complaint with SL’s Child Protective Services.
I’ve also caught him staring at me from across the room when I’m trying to sort my inventory.
If I move… His head follows me. I swear the kid has mastered eye tracking.
Last Tuesday I logged in after work, and somehow he was already sitting in my favorite chair.
MY chair.
My wife insists that’s where she left him before logging off. I don’t believe her.
Yesterday I walked into the kitchen and found him holding the stuffed bear my wife gave me for our anniversary. I know I didn’t give it to him.. but what’s worse is one of our kitchen knives was laying on the floor nearby.
Pretty sure I walked in on something devious and at this point, I’m convinced he’s plotting something.
Meanwhile, my wife says I’m “being ridiculous” and that he’s “just a scripted baby.”
Easy for her to say. He’s nice to her and oh so sweet whenever she is around.
Am I losing my mind, or is it possible our digital offspring has chosen me as his mortal enemy?
Signed,
Sleeping With One Eye Open
Dear Sleeping With One Eye Open,
Well… you’ve come to the wrong person for an unbiased opinion. I have a confession to make.
Zooby babies have always creeped me out.
I know, I know… before the angry mob of pixel parents comes charging toward my house armed with bottles, diapers, and parenting HUDs, let me say this:
I completely understand why people love them.
Thousands of residents absolutely adore their Zooby babies. Some treat them like adorable little roleplay companions, while others dedicate a huge part of their Second Life to raising families, celebrating milestones, and creating memories together. There is nothing wrong with that.
But me?
If I walked into my kitchen and found my digital child clutching my anniversary teddy bear with a kitchen knife lying nearby, I’d be checking the return policy before I started asking questions. That said…
Your wife is technically correct. It is just a scripted baby. Soooo…
Go change the script.
I’m serious.
You could spend weeks trying to win the little gremlin over. Read more bedtime stories. Give more bottles. Change every diaper with a smile on your face and hope one day he decides you’re worthy of his affection.
Or…
Open the settings and force the tiny dictator to like you. Technology is a beautiful thing.
Now, if your wife objects to this plan and insists that your scripted offspring should be allowed to continue psychologically terrorizing you… Well…
I think we may have uncovered the real problem in this household.
And here’s where things get interesting.
If you update the script and this child still gives you the stink eye…
Sir…
I’m not saying it’s possessed…..
I’m just saying I’d seriously consider taking it back to the adoption agency.
Or running.
Whichever seems easier.
P.S. If you ever log in and discover he’s standing beside your bed at 3 a.m. with glowing eyes… don’t message me. I’m already gone. Deuces!
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